I've decided to try my hand at writing. I don't like the idea of writing an MR story, but I like writing, and this idea for a storyline seemed quite attractive to me, so here I am, giving you the first (and hopefully not the last) part of my story. Yes, and now chapter 1A (the "1A" will make more sense later) begins.

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I watched the children playing as I lay in the shade, avoiding the blistering heat. I thought to myself; “How can they even move on a day like this?” The grass felt refreshingly cool on my exposed forearms. The kids had discovered some dandelions in the rougher grass, just outside the nearby woods. They began to blow the seeds around, and watched with glee as they tossed and turned in the gentle breeze. My mother would have given me hell if I did that. I can imagine her saying something like “Son, don’t blow the seeds around! I have enough trouble getting rid of these weeds without you planting more!”

That was before she got sick. She doesn’t get the chance to do much gardening anymore on account of she’s in the hospital. If they would so much as put something green in that room, I swear she wouldn’t be half as sick as she is now. Life sure has been crazy lately…first daddy runs away with all our money, and then mom gets sick and can’t afford any sort of operation. It’ll be one hell of a bill is she ever gets out. That’s all behind me now, though. My worries right now are finding a way to earn a living, and staying out of the sight of anyone I know. Maybe someday if I ever build up enough cash I can get my mother out of her situation, but until then, I’ve got no one to fend for but me.

These kids’ parents have been mighty kind to me, giving me a roof over me a place to sleep and all. I’m sure the fact that I can keep Tyler and Nicole out of their hair for a couple of hours a day helped sway their decision. Crazy kids, can sit still for more than five minutes, but then, what can you expect from an eleven and an eight year old? Speaking of not being able to sit still, I wonder where Nicole is at…
“Tyler, where’s your sister at?”
“She said she heard something in the woods. She went to go see what it was.”
Great, I’m screwed now. Here this nice lady gives me a roof over my head, and in return asks me the mere payment of watching her kids. As is the case with the rest of my life, though, something goes wrong.

I ran through the woods, calling out “Nicole! Nicole! Come on, say something!” Off in the distance I heard a faint cry for help. North east. Perfect. That fool girl better not have gotten herself knocked off the cliff. Time and time again, everyone tells her to stay away from there, but then, can you really expect an eight year old to listen to something like that? I reached the cliff…no sign of Nicole…until I looked over the edge. Just as I had expected. Luckily, she wasn’t that far, she was, however, still out of arms reach. She was in a good position, so had felt that I could take my time finding something to get her out of there…then I saw it. Just below her…more to north…an army…but of what? Unfortunately, I would soon find out.

I managed to find a long, sturdy log, and I cautiously set it up as a ladder. I warned Nicole; “Come up as quietly as you can, we’ve got company.” She finally did something I told her to without whining. Remember my bad luck though? How I always screw things up? I was in the clear, but as I began to walk away, I tripped on a rock. I cursed loudly, and, on top of that, caused some smaller rubber to fall down the cliff. Immediately, I told Nicole to run away, go home, and tell everyone to act as though I never existed unless I somehow managed to survive.

I took a quick glance down the cliff, not knowing what I would be looking into. An eye of fire…a body of purple steel…and blades upon its body. Had I died and gone to hell, or was this really an End Bringer coming straight at me with malicious intent? Id did all I could…and began to run. I tripped up and had trouble getting my legs going, but once they started, I ran like I had never run before. Knowing I had sent Nicole back home, south east, I began to go north west, deeper into the woods…maybe I could lose him in there. The large logs of lumber falling behind me suggested otherwise. This thing…this…this spawn of Satan was cutting all the trees in its path down…and still gaining. If I wasn’t already dead, I was sure I would be soon. But then, in the distance, I saw it…

Still running at top speed, I ran towards the cave, hoping there would be somewhere to hide in there. I had never felt the urge to go spelunking before, but right now the idea sounded pretty attracting. It was dark in the cave…perfect, the darker the better. I began feeling along the walls, still running, searching for some sort of divot or anything else I could hide in or behind. I finally picked a large rock. The Bringer entered the cave…I could hear the gentle hum from the entrance. It seemed strangely peaceful, giving me a feeling of safety. That feeling was short lived, as the light that spread out through the cave as it drew its laser blade struck nothing but fear into my heart…speaking of which, it was beating so loud it seemed as though I could hear it echo. The Bringer drew closer…not seeming to have any clue as to where I was…but then…it turned and fired a Fist Missile!

How could I have overlooked such a thing? A robot wouldn’t need to be able to see me, heat sensors and such would provide any clues to my location it needed. I managed to dodge its first few shots nimbly, but it didn’t even seem to be trying…”What is this thing up to?” I wondered. Slowly but surely, I figured it out. I was running out of places to move into to dodge its shots. The worst part of that was that it knew that I knew, and that this would soon be over…and not with me coming out of it alive. I made one final shot, which set up a chance for my escape…I kicked one of the smaller pieces of falling rubble directly at the Bringer, and it hit right where it counted, the eye.

While it was stunned, I made a dash for the entrance, only to find it blocked. I pounded frantically on the large piece of timber, not making any progress. Out of nowhere a felt a sharp pain in my back, like nothing I had felt before. I could see, I could hear, but I could not move. It was obvious, the Bringer had recovered and landed a Fist Missile directly on my spine. I was paralyzed. The face of death appeared directly above me…and in its eye…I saw the reflection of a scared, fragile, and disturbed looking young boy. The last thing I ever heard will be etched into my mind forever…the Bringer raised its arm…set it to cannon…and whispered silently, in a somewhat metallic voice:
“Burn.”
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So, do I continue? Or do I accept the fact that I was never meant to write an MR story? (BTW, how is this thing for length? It seemed OK to me, and I tried to compare it to CHB's stuff, but it just seemed short for some reason. Unfortuneatly, any furture chapters that may happen won't really be much longer, either.)

Well, now you have a basic feel. Chapter 1A works well, but I think Intro would have done just fine.

As for the work itself, I'm impressed. From a first person perspective, you write with words that the average person would think, instead of having all the options associated with third person. In a way, first person narratives are easier for simplicity, but restrictive in the same thought for the same reason.

I really liked it, a few word flaws ("giving me a roof over me a place to sleep and all") and one very interesting word I've never used before (spelunking; I assume like diving or charging irrationally. I'll look it up though).

Now you've gotten a taste, you can make a longer chapter with confidence that your story is, in fact, quite good. I look forward to more.

"giving me a roof over me a place to sleep and all"
That is odd...I could've sworn I wrote "giving me a roof over my head and a place to sleep and all." Oops. I can't believe I missed that. And if you ever notice things like "favourite", just remember that I'm Canadian :) (Not just directed at CHB, but anyone who reads this.)

Like I said, the 1A will make more sense later (think letters). I plan to try something that I don't think has been done before.

Oh and:
Spelunk: explore natural caves

Thanks for the encouragement. :)

Before anyone else points it out, in the sentence
"Crazy kids, can sit still for more than five minutes, but then, what can you expect from an eleven and an eight year old?"
it should, of course, be can't, not can. Next time I'll spend, say, five minutes more proofreading so that this doesn't happen again.

(and yes, I know, this should be in my other post...but you know)

If you proofread right after proofreading, in my experiences, you tend to scan more than anything, which is less effective.

I usually sleep on it, and the next day review. That way, I know what happened in the story, but not word for word how I wrote it.

Keeps you fresh. Any rate, those errors are minor at their largest. Hardly enough to discourage another go. Please do.

P.S. I work with Canadians here in Alaska all the time. Although they have several secret plots and schemes on how to conquer the United States and seem to have an unnatural favoritism for hockey (an addiction, actually), they remain some of the coolest people I've ever had the pleasure of working and hanging out with.

I guess that is why I get along with you, too. :D

Interesting, certainly. Nicely vague, which keeps the audiance coming back for more.

The first-person perspective is good, but it could be tricky to keep it up for a longer story - plus it was sometimes tricky to tell whether the protagonist was talking to himself or an invisible ally. But you handled it for the most part admirably, something which is tricky to do.

Incidentally, I think you're being a little too hard on yourself - perhaps too much like guy in the story. Everyone makes mistakes along the way - it's what you learn from 'em that matters.

Keep up the good work.

P.S. CHB, get to work on your own stories! You're the reason I started writing my own!

The more I proofread, the power grows...

Or maybe I like having everyone teetering on their seats...

Blah, I better finish some up. My ego is becoming difficult to balance on my shoulders.

1) (To CHB) They give away their plans? The fools! Those should be top secret...I mean...hehehe
2) (To Max) I don't think I'm being overly hard on myself. It's just that I'm worried as this is new to me (I don't normally write any sort of stories...let alone MR stories)
3) (To CHB) Max is right, let's see some more stuff, dude.
4) (To both) I shall continue. The next installment may not be what you're expecting though. Actually, neither will the one after that...I have some interesting twists planned.

IMO it looks retarded.

IMO the story was great, for a first time. I have been writing for school and such for a good three years now, and I can't make a good story for bull. I hate everyone being better than me.

I really enjoyed it. Keep it up Infernus! BTW I'm not going to criticize due to the fact that I cannot write a story to save my life.

Have you two ever tried? It's much, much easier to write about something that you enjoy and are interested in than something which you are forced to do.

There's absolutely no harm in writing down a couple of hundred words and seeing how far you go. Especialy since people around here will be more than willing to give you a hand.

I'm not going to sound like some English teacher and start spouting on 'Learning is always fun!', but give it a try - you may be pleasantly surprised.