It was a cold August day. Many grim faces wearing dark clothing walked silently out of a Chapel. It was drizzling and it was damp. The dew trickled off leaves as the people walked off to their homes. Two men walked out carrying a casket and took it away. A few women were crying and being comforted by their husbands as they walked to their home. The village was a very tight community and their leader had died. He lived a nice full life of 89 years old. The people didn’t know who would replace him because the death came as a shock to everyone. A young boy walked out of the Chapel, he jogged through the cold wet grass in his church clothes. He made it to the street and turned and walked into a house.

Meanwhile, people also knew without a leader they were susceptible to an attack. Their leader had a great deal with keeping the peace, he was the only one who knew how to raise monster and he never passed it down. The little boy ran to his room in the small cottage like house and he dug around and began to gather things. He appeared merely 13 years old, but seemed to be running away. That night, he did run away. Something was calling for him. In the Chapel he heard it; he heard the once mighty leader’s voice telling him to leave, that he would be the only hope for them. The prophecy was correct, the next day the village was slaughter without a fight the grotesque scene of entrails and blood was scattered throughout the village. An odd monster walked amidst the carnage and smiled. He was not like other monsters; he seemed to be wearing a suit of metal. He was clearly over 9 feet and he moved slowly and steadily seeming to trudge along. The other monsters obeyed him.

They left and the village was burnt to the ground all the bodies were thrown into a pile and devoured by the group of monsters. Prisoners were taken and amusingly tortured and slowly killed and eaten. When the horrible creatures left there was no sign of attack or resistance. Oddly there was no sign of anything, the village seemed to disappear. The little boy faithfully ran from the dreadful area and came across a lake. It was a mystical glow and it seemed that he was called here. He looked over and saw a stone. It wasn’t like any he had seen before. It had special marking and when he picked it up it began to glow. The young boy dropped it as it began to form into an unusual shape. A mask floating with a cape appeared. It looked divine, the Gali sneered and asked the boys name.

He slowly stuttered and finally came to spit out, “S-S-Sean.”

“I see, you are the boy I called here to assist me.” Gali said as he floated towards the boy. “You will help me and together we will free all that are enslaved by death.” Sean stepped back, fearing the monster. As he spoke again.

“I-I-I don’t know how to raise monsters… I’d be a bad master...” Sean sighed

“You will not be my master. I am fine without future training, it is help that I need. You had a strange signal coming from your body. You could be useful in allies. I can handle my share of fights, but I cannot do it alone.” Gali motioned with a translucent hand to have Sean follow. Sean flopped his shoes through the mud as they reached a stop. The Gali was peeking through a bush, he saw a sleeping Durahan. Inscribed in his chest was an insignia it was gold ‘X’. Gali looked over and in Sean’s thoughts he telepathically told Sean to stay were he was.

The Gali whisked through the air and with his translucent arms he delivered a crushing blow to the sleeping monster. It rammed through the tree it was resting its body on and slowly sat up. Gali held his arm out and a surge of electricity shot through his arm, and into the Durahan. The water that had resided on his body man it worse, the Durahan began to have convulsions and then stopped move. Electricity still surged through the dead motionless monster as the walked towards the body. The Gali explained what was happening.


“Around 15 years ago a monster that was 1 of a kind had been born. It was horrible mistreated and abused. It ran away and vowed to kill all human life. Its name was Caesar. It resembles a Durahan, but there is very little relation. He is a humanoid in a Durahans body. His power is far greater than imagined. I am on a mission to make sure the humans, as yourself as alive. I’m God’s Left Hand. You have a great and mystical prophecy and I must make sure you fulfill it. Caesar is born of all the hatred of monsters that are mistreated. For each monster born and never gotten a chance at life. Some say he is Satan, himself. As much as monsters being tortured I cannot let him go around killing innocent people. People brought him to this world and he lived the life of what he was born. He was the first monster ever to show resistance, now more are following. The insignia that you saw on that Durahan shows their loyalty. I hate having to kill them, but they must be stopped.”

GREAT!!! KEEP WRITING!!!

God’s Left Hand? Too coincidental with the Van Hellsing movie, right? I expected more originality from you.

I like your setup, but you should have proofread one last time. That might have solved at least half of the punctuation issues. Lack of commas lead to many run on sentences, and were sorely needed to help your sentences breath.

And to surprisingly contradict this, you broke other ideas into far too many separate and simple sentences. Be careful with this and remember that commas can make excellent substitutes in paragraph structure.

Not a terrible start, but not your finest, either. I'll keep reading though, as you DID sink my attention.

Very nice. Just a few things here and there like grammtics, run ons, and fragments, but thats ok. I'd have to say its a big improvement since your last story, as u've caught my attention.

Heh, I saw Van Helsing when I wrote this. It caught my attention a bit.

FYI Your punctuation skills might have lacked, but your vocabulary count is definitely on the rise. Nice word usage, and do keep it up.

Just a little trick to keep your papers looking neat, only put numbers if it is double digits. E.g., 1 should always be one unless you are counting. 10 can go either way, and 11+ should always be numerical.

Grammatically, anything below 100 should be in letters. Or so they say in English class. In this case I don't see the number thing being an issue, however.

Not bad, but you need to work a bit more on your grammar. Also, there are some lines that could easily have been improved, such as "It wasn’t like any he had seen before.", though not incorrect, "It was unlike any he had seen before." works much better. Also, there were a few issues of repetitiveness, like all those people going to their homes at the beginning. Using a different word for the same object would help here, "abode", "shack", or "mansion" could have been used, shack and mansion help illustrate a bit about what the surroundings may look like as well. I like the idea of the boys home being a shack.

All minor, easy fixes that will improve with practice. Good work.

I was taught to have it under ten.