I'm not sure if this chapter(there will be more)is long enough to go in epics, so I put it here.
This is my first story, so any critisizm is both helpful and wanted.


Chap 1
It all started out one summer evening, with my trainer and I sitting on the porch of his house. I was looking out at the stars, waiting for that alien fellow to come back with the crystal he wanted to give me. I had tried to tell my trainer about him, but he was ‘too busy to listen to whopping tales’. But that’s a story for another time.
Anyway, as I was looking up, I saw something moving by the training shack. I could almost make out three dead, full-grown mocks, stripped bare of foliage, one being carried by two pure Golems, another by two Gobis, and the third by a pair of Tyrants. I decided to let it go, as tired as I was, as a trick of the moon.
The next morning, I went to do the Dominoes training, and there were no dominoes. Suddenly, the six Golems from last night burst out, carrying them. They put them down, and walked away. I would’ve stopped them, but I was still groggy, and not in the mood for a fight with six of the most powerful species on the continent. As I went to do the training, I could swear I heard a small “ouch”. When I went the to do the Swim drill, I noticed that there was something at the bottom of the pool. I tried to inspect, but Colt pulled me out for failing the drill. It looked suspiciously like an Undine’s crown.
The next morning, at breakfast, I refused my usual cup jelly, afraid of the different types of monster chunks I might find inside. I was training the Target drill, and noticed that once or twice, the signposts hesitated, immediately before a sharp whip crack, albeit quiet. I went over at the end of the drill, on the premise of looking for better rocks, and pulled up one signpost. My fears were magnified, as I saw a hollow beneath it. It was filled with worm skin, from shedding, and whips. I almost threw up, but replaced the signpost. There has to be a reasonable explination for this. There's got to be, I told myself.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned. I saw my trainer. "Hey, slowpoke, you just missed lunch! Come on!" she said, grabbing my arm and pulling me off.
I turned to look at the woods as I passed them, and thought I saw a young Golem silhouette flitting through the trees. Suddenly, I heard a quiet explosion. I turned to look where the Golem had been running to, and saw a smoking pile of rocks. It looked like Hengers were pulling sleds of rock over to the hill. I slipped away from my trainer, heading for the training hill, hoping to get there in time. I was too late. I saw the sleds of rocks against the wall, and examined them. The flatter ones looked more like Monols, while the rounder ones, most still warm, looked like Golem bits. I ran scared, eventually reaching my trainer. She looked at me.
"So where have you been? I have good news. You’ve gotten so fast, you can have a larger rock in the Dodge training. Isn’t that great?" She said, smiling.
I sniffed, and thought about the Golem’s Roll Assault attack.

Okay...where are you going with this? Usually in the first chapter you have a decent hook, and this has potential. For instance, you could have said in the last few sentences...

[I bolted out of the grim scenario, afraid for my life. I ran past bushes, trees, and rocks. I dared not turn my head, for I imagined the monsters tailing me like a helpless dog. I soared back into the ranch, and ran straight into my trainer.

"I have good news! Your training was so succesful, you can have a huge rock for your training. Imagine it, a large boulder careening down the hill at you. It's amazing!"

I gulped, and felt the weight drip down my esophogus. A large rolling rock? That's kinda "gulp" like a golem's roll assault attack. Oh man, I'm done for...]

That would have put me in both suspense and shock. This wasn't the only place needing improvement. You see DM, epics take time and consideration. I spent a good four hours on my first few MDAs. Remember to revise for description and language. If you had applied the technique I showed you for the end to all of your mysteries, this would have easily fit into epics. Remember, just cause its up in the library doesn't mean its the best it can be.

Another thing that bugged me was ur big blob of words. Paragraphs, man. Not only do they make your writing look neater, but its organization. It helps your reader take in all of your twists and surprises. Also, double space paragraphs like me, CHB, Blackrazor,etc. (just to name a few).

Other than that, its pretty good. Remember for future reference to give your audience an idea of whats going on in the first chapter. Suspense is one thing, but I'm practically clueless. Details are a writer's savior, use them and use them well. Description helps a whole lot. The goal of the aspiring writer is to paint a pict6ure in the readers head. U didn't even tell us wut kind of monster u r, let alone a description of ur master and ur surroundings.

You're doin fine DM. Keep it up, and use these pointers, and ull be writen like a true author in no time. I really appreciate ur support throughout my carrer, and its time I returned the favor. Good work for ur first piece, and keep up the good work! :D