The night was dark, stars sparkled like diamonds placed upon black velvet, and the moon was full. This was a night where lovers gazed towards the heavens and whispered their affections softly to each other. A night where wolves cast forth their haunting howls into the sky, worshipping the moon goddess with their cries. A night that held all the tranquility and peace of a beautiful painting, and it seemed that it could never be shattered....
However, there was also something in the skies unseen so far...hidden by the naked eye. Leathery bat-like wings cut through the air as the black form jets aver the landscape, carried by currents of air. His scaly skin black, and shimmered like oil on water; with each breath yellow sulfur filled the air and he drooled blood to the ground below. His taloned fingers were long and sharp, scars across his chest told of past battles...but although the demon's appearance was frightening...he was only a scout, a pion that could be replaced at a whim if his overlords saw it fitting. Oh no, he wasn't to be feared as much as the evil army that followed behind. Demon armies never had a good reason for being around, and this night, this beautiful and magical night, held no exception to that rule; they all made their way for a kingdom that lay just over the horizon..

***

Clove sat in his room with his shirt off. The curtains were shut, a lone candle provided the only illumination in the area. A well-muscled youth of eighteen years of age, Clove was indeed formidable. His black hair seemed to have gotten it's color from the very essence of the night, his eyes were open, yet closed in his trance-like state. Those two optic orbs sat seemingly lifeless in their sockets, their color like that of polished onyx. He chanted softly, and he could tell they were coming. The warriors of hell were vastly approaching, those warriors the Paladin-In-Training had called for a gruesome purpose...but no, he was no longer a Paladin, for he no longer hold their rules and way of thinking...no, he was a Dark Paladin now in his heart...and by the dawning of the sun, the kingdom of Ifritalis would be rubble and it's king dead, if he had anything to say about it..

***

Rys walked through the hallways of the Arrow of Light church, the cold midnight air against his sweat-soaked fur felt refreshing. He had just returned from training hard in the Luminaire training yard. He wore a pair of white pants, loose and made to be comfortable, while being also tailored for fighting. He wore no shirt, and a red headband tied around his head. As he walked through the torch-lit hallways, the haunting firelight caused his fur to shimmer with the sweat that stuck his fur to his body. Muscles toned and chisled over his eighteen years of life could be seen more defined through his damp and sweaty golden-brown fur. He shook his head a little, sweat droplets came free from his face and fell to the cold stone floor, and his chocolate-brown mane shook along with his head. Rys' tailtip lightly brushed the ground as he made his way to his room, looking forward to getting a good night's sleep..

***

The Priests in the sanctuary were nervous. They could feel it coming, either a great evil or a collection of smaller dark energies. They all stood in their white robes, the hoods of some Priests' robes were drawn up over their heads. Silver embroidery edged each robe with magical Holy runes that would glow when a spell was cast, which was usually to aid others rather than to fight. Some held staffs in their hands, some found it easier to cast spells with the staffs to help focus and channel their magic. Some staffs were made of Honora wood, a magical substance from sacred trees; some made of Mythril metal, some others of stone..and other materials. And all the Preists were praying. Beeswax candles around the room filled the air with sharp-smelling smoke, that was also sweet and helped to relax them somewhat. They were all here in the chapel, and more were coming, all were suddenly aroused from slumber with no reason exactly why...just that something in their spirit told them that something was coming...and soon..some of them will stain the ground with their blood.

***

Clove snapped from his meditation.
"They are coming...soon, they will be here."
Clove needed no reason to do this...not really...those Paladins were cocky in his eyes, and were hypocrites. Especially that damned Rys. But Rys would fall by Clove's hands...he would make sure of that. Sweat trickled down his face and chest, and he took a deep breath. He reached for a sword that lay next to him, the blade a polished black Mythril, the hilt and handle were gold and an onyx sat in the center of the hilt. He stood and walked to the window..and he saw the demon hoard quickly coming. Yes...soon they would be here. He snuffed out the candle that sat on the desk next to him and left the dark room, heading for his destiny.

***

A demon at the head of the flying army screeched his command to attack and dove at the city, followed by his soldiers. They would keep the Paladins and warriors busy while their master went to slay the king. One after one the spirits landed and rushed through the city, destroying everything in their paths with dark weapons they pulled from their very bodies. Doors were knocked down, windows shattered, storefronts decimated. Screams and yells echoed through the streets as women, children, and the elderly tried to flee, only to be slain and their blood to cover the stone streets. It was a gruesome scene, hundreds of demons came to kill amd murder, their sulfurous breath filling the night air with a poisonous yellow fog. An alarm went out over the city, knights flooded the streets to defend their kingdom. Blades flashed in the air, blood spilt to the ground, and mettle was tested. Priests stayed in the back lines casting holy spells of protection and healing, using their staffs and fists to fight off demons that pressed in too close. Even with the valiant efforts of the warriors, the Paladins were being routed and pushed back, nothing seemed to be able to stand in the enemy's way..
Rys ran out of the church at hearing the alarms, and his eyes widened at the horrible sight. Wave after wave of evil seemed to flood into the city, his senses were being flooded with information. His whiskers felt energy vibrations in the air, his sensitive hearing picked up screams and the sounds of fighting. He ran out of the temple only to find himself face-to-face with an enemy. He concentrated, causing his furred fists to glow with a white aura, and started to fight, ducking and dodging blows with his feline agility. He landed a few good hits where he could, and with each strike came a flash of holy power. As the enemy's sword came downward at his chest, he grabbed the demon's wrist and yelled. Energy raced from his arm into his opponent's and caused the demon's arm to be blown clean off. As the spirit lurches backward in pain and yelled obscenities, (that won't be written because we're trying to keep this story PG-13), Rys pointed his finger to his foe.
"Holy."
With that one word, points of light fell around the demon, a blinding flash ensued, and blasts of holy light and energy erupted under the spirit, blating him and racing for the sky. It disintegrated and poofed out of existence, being sent back to Hades for eternal torment by the attack. Rys ran into the fray, punching, kicking, and clawing; ducking, dodging, and even jumping over attacks. He was respected as one of the strongest Luminaire Warriors, and one of the most powerful fighters period. He saw his comrades fall by his side, his golden fur stained with blood, his own and blood form others. Even as attacks came from all sides and wounds were inflicted onto him, he kept pressing through. Blasts of holy magic as well as evil spells rocked the air, let off by Priests, Paladins, and demons. Rys had a nagging feeling...the King..save the King.. He quickly climbed onto some crates and pulled himself onto the low roof of a nearby house. He ran and jumped from rooftop to rooftop, heading for the palace as fast as his paws could carry him. "Faster! Faster!", his mind urged his body to move. It was like his body was not his own, something took control, yelling for him to get to the King. It was an urge that couldn't be ignored. Hopping down from the roof he was currently on, he raced through the streets for the palace, only to be stopped by four demons at once.
"Halt Paladin..." the first demon screeched. "Our master wishes not to be disturbed...you must be killed, good bye.."
The four demons attacked at once, lashing out with tails, teeth, claws, and weapons. Rys sidestepped one demon and grabbed him by the tail, and swung him into two more, causing them all to fall into a squirming heap save for the one he didn't hit. He ducked under a sword swing and jumped a sweep kick while kicking at the demon's chin. Direct hit. The demon flew back and they regrouped..they seemed to have found that this was no ordinary warrior. Rys held his palms out at the foes.
"White Flare!"
An eruption of blinding light exploded from his hands, causing the demons to shield their eyes and scream in agony as the pure-white light blinded them. This was the opening Rys needed to take out at least one of them. He slammed his fist into the ground and a lion's head of Chi energy tore up the ground asunder as it flew toward its targets. It split into two and each hit seperate opponents. Screams of pain...then nothing. Two down, two to go. One backed off..
"S-sir! We cannot-"
The demon's cries of protest were cut short as his throat was ripped out by the lead demon.
"I'll have none of your petty whining!"
He turned his attention to Rys.
"Well Leo. Looks like you have some skill in you."
Rys was tired, bleeding, bruised, and downright exhausted from the fighting he's done already. But if there was one thing Rys Khyrsal knew, it was that he never ran from a fight unless ordered to do so.
And he didn't see any of his commanding officers around.
Rys roared and charged his opponent, fists glowing and ready to deliver a good strike to finish him. He punched, and the demon caught his fist and flung him into the side of a building. Rys fell to the ground and got back up, tasting the metallic tang of blood in his mouth.
"Crap.."
Rys narrowed his eyes, the demon was crouched low and waiting. Rys pointed to the demon.
"Holy."
Obiviously, the demon was ready for this and jumped to the side at the last second, the spell missing it's target. Rys ran forward and attacked in a melee of punches, kicks, and claw slashes, his attacks faster and stronger than any human master martial artist. But even then, he was having a hard time, most of his attacks were being blocked. The demon was being put against the ropes, forced to stay on the defensive lest he get pummeled by the relentless attack. Rys finally had enough, he was in a rush. He jumped back and knelt low to the ground on all fours, a blue aura surrounded his body. The demon saw his opening and lunged, his claws flashing in the air. Rys jumped forward much faster than before, the Natural High technique raising his strength and speed far behind normal, and delivered a smashing blow to the demon's nose. Black blood spurted, the demon stepped back, screeching in pain. Rys rushed and drove his white glowing fist into the opponent's solar plexis, then uppercutted his chin. A white explosion ensued with the uppercut, blasting the demon to hell. Rys wasted no time in racing into the royal abode, the screams of dying warriors and citizens following him as he ran. He rushed up flight after flight of stairs, finally getting to the King's chambers. Of course they had to be locked. He drew his fist back and let loose with a beam of holy energy, blasting the large oak double doors away from their hinges like they were nothing at all. The scene in front of him was gruesome, blood splattered against every wall and surface, three knights lay dead in pools of crimson. And Clove, standing over the King, ready to deliver the final blow.
"Sire!"
Clove spun his head to let his gaze fall onto Rys. The two were not strangers to each other..Clove hated Rys with a passion, the two were like rivals.
And Clove loved to crush the competition.
"Well...if it isn't the animal."
He drew his attention from the king and stood across from Rys, who was already in a low fighting position.
"Clove, what are you doing?! Why are you doing this, murdering and killing all those innocents?!"
Clove laughed.
"Does it matter WHY I did it?! I did it and it feels GREAT!"..
Rys snarled, his lips curled back, showing off his sharp fangs. His claws became unsheathed and he ran forward to strike. Clove side-stepped and tripped him. As Rys fell, he turned his body to look up, and in time to see the black sword coming for his neck. He held his palm up.
"White Flare!"
The blast of light caused Clove to stagger back, his blow left unfinished. Rys spun on the floor, delivering a sweep-kick as he got up, tripping his opponent. He pounced onto Clove, punching and mauling his face, the only spot of him that wasn't covered in armor. Rys jumped off and stared at his rival, who got up. Slashes across Clove's face bled, and his nose was broken. Rys was panting and bleeding, the blood drying onto his fur.
"Cursed claw of Hell, deliver your filty taloned spell!"
Rys was unprepared for what happened next. A black hand came from behind and grabbed his head. Searing pain and agony raced through his brain and soul, he roared as the torture took place. It seemed to last forever, then stopped, the hand faded away. Rys fell to the floor, gasping for breath, his head pounded with each heartbeat. He was grabbed by the mane and his gaze forced to look at Clove.
"Thought...you won...did you...animal?"
Clove let go and Rys' head dropped. He made his way back to the king and lifted his sword, ready to drive it through the king's chest.
The sword never reached it's target.
A white light out of the coner of Clove's eye caught his attention, and he slowly turned his head..
..And gets blasted by a great beam of white energy, sending him across the room and slamming Clove into the opposite wall. Even after hitting him, the attack continues, pinning clove to the wall and cracks appear behind him, and he breaks through the wall to fall to the streets below. Rys stands with his palms facing forward, the energy in the air can be felt from his Holy Cannon attack. The room spins around him, his head pounds, and Rys falls to the floor, unconcious.

Seems pretty good Sir Celious. BTW, what does the title mean? I know it's in Hawaiian, whatever it is.

Moon goddess? -Okay

Thats the title? Moon Goddess? Alright I was wonderin too. At any rate VERY nice story. It does sound a heck of alot like a prequil to your short story, though. I mean, the only difference was no jokers. Good call. Demons are classic villins and everyone knows, you can't beat a classic. I see you enjoy your demi-human hero very much.

Hmm... the only part I didn't like was the title(too confusing to memorize) so I'll just refer to it as HKLP.

-Adios

"Moon Goddess" is not the title of the story. Maybe I'll say what it is...maybe not...^_^

....didn't know you were a tease Cel. :0)

I think he will tell on his own time :)

This is my first time reviewing so bear with me.

Story Flow: As Eagle said, there were some problems here. The first part seemed a bit choppy, but not too bad and it improved as the story progressed. Grade: C+

Descriptions: Excellent work! The descriptions of the scenes were flashy and vivid. Be careful not to bog the story down with them though. Suggestion- Try to employ some of the other senses in your descriptions. Touch and Smell can be very powerful descriptive tools. Use them to make the scenes truly come alive! Good Job Grade: A

Characters: It's a bit too soon to comment now, but you should start laying the foundation for character development in the next few chapters. This is tied in with description: What are the characters' feelings? Are they angry? Depressed? Fearful? What is going throught their heads? Describing more about what they're feeling can really add to the atmosphere of the story. You don't have to do this with every little character, just the important ones (like Rys). Good overall, but can do better: B-

Grammar: Pretty good actually, though some words do appear to be overused. There were a few spelling errors, but they're minor. Fairly easy to read. Grade: A-

My general opinion: B+

PS: Don't be discouraged. I think I'm a bit of a tougher sell than the others, but you managed to impress me in some areas. If for some reason you end up with across the board A's, you'd might consider publishing. Good Luck!

no detailed point by point review here...just a very good beginning of a story i want to read more of. obviously, the story was designed to start slowly, because of the character introduction device, then continually pick up speed right up until the end blackout.

great story. DP is right. you should consider publishing. i have read published ones not as good as that!

I was rooting for Clove.
Those darn hero types, like Rys always likes to interfere with having a good time.

Hey, Rys.

Finally was able to go through and read it in peace. ((Husband sleeping, baby sleeping, all quiet in the house, YAY! LOL))

Anyhoo... Looks good, bro. Just thought you might want to know that. LS is right, as well...I've seen published ones that weren't as good as what you've written. Keep it coming.



~~The Flamin' Faery~~